i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
