then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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