Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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