whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
