Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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