I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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