Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
