my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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