just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
