i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i believe in u and ur pee
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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