dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
sarcasm needs its own font
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
