She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
