They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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