OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
