I wish my penis had an off switch
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
