before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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