I am spending my child support on dildos
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
