Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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