Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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