God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
