My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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