im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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