Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
