I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
PANTIES FOUND
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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