I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
