btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
