judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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