I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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