Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
