well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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