I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
