On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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