Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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