i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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