I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
