Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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