I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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