Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
