shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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