Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
