also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
