Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
