my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
