the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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