I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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