I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
