Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
