Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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