it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
