Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
