you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
