I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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