U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
